You Won’t Let ‘Em Go But It’s Killing You | A Dream LYFE

You Won’t Let ‘Em Go But It’s Killing You

Stop trying to change people.

We’ve all been told that trying to change people doesn’t work in any relationship, whether it’s intimate, family, or professional. It’s true, to a large extent. People are who they demonstrate themselves to be, and accepting this hard fact is half the battle. There’s nothing you can wear, do, say or buy to permanently transform a person’s character. And why would you want to when there is something else out there wanting you as much as you want it? 

If you transfer the energy you’ve been using trying to persuade someone else to change and  use it to change yourself instead, you would begin to attract people who are compatible with you.

When you transfer your energy and effort back to yourself anyone who is not a good fit will drop away. Separating from those you’ve worked so hard to change is the scariest part of the release and growth process. You keep remembering how things used to be. Well, wake up and accept that it is “now,” not then, and it ain’t the way it used to be.

None of us enjoy watching the investments we make in people drop off into oblivion as we stand there in the dust left behind unrewarded. You don’t want to feel like all the hard work you’ve put in so far is in vain, so you stay and make more investments in situations that clearly do not work. But if you choose to continue down this self defeating path, you cannot be angry with the person who resists and refuses to change.

It is not personal, each of us has the difficult task of changing and developing our selves – but we can’t change other people, too. We have no authority to do so. It is the law of life and universe that each of us be responsible for our own changes. 

You deserve to be happy.

Maintaining personal joy is impossible when you turn your efforts away from yourself. You know what it feels like to be in sync so you chase it by trying to rearrange and reorganize the objects of your attention – like a rubix cube. But you do not succeed, and there are plenty of good reasons for failure in that area. The push back you experience when trying to change things outside of yourself is the reverse impact demanding change from you. It is time to face your fears and stop making excuses for wasting your valuable time planted in relationships and situations that stunt your growth and steal your joy.

Staying in bad relationships is the emotional equivalent of buying a Ferrari while living in the metro area of a big city. You will never have an opportunity to move past all of the frustrating gridlock so you can feel the adrenalin afforded by the freedom of an open flow. And even if you did on occasion, like bad relationships tend to offer, it could never make up for 80% of the week when you can’t. 

The only person who can meet the demands of your emotional and psychological need to experience synchronicity is you. You were not designed to stay the same, and if you try to, you will be unhappy, miserable, unproductive, and so sad that eventually you’ll be forced to grow and seek out better situations anyway. Your efforts to overcome mediocre relationships will always be thwarted when you keep at it with people who are not ready to be who you want them to be. If you sit still and watch your life go by and do nothing to transform your experience, in the end there will be no one to blame but you.

Stop ignoring your inner voice when you know it wants you to let go. 

There is always that part of you who knows you can do much better. It’s not crazy, it’s your best source of guidance and personal wisdom. You have been resisting it; you get lazy and fight your own inner strength back down into your soul so you can be weak enough to put up with the bullshit a little longer. You know it’s true, and you need to stop. 

Some women will repeat the same lines over again: “I don’t have enough money to go, or my kids will hate me, or who’s going to want me now?”

Men are not exempt here, they are known to drum up similar excuses. 

But the truth is you can get money again, the kids are resilient and love helps to heal and re-situate all, and the only person who has to want you first – is you. Once you reestablish the importance of caring for yourself you’ll be ready for something new. Because by that time you’ll understand the the priority is maintaining your own happiness. You won’t need to change anyone else or rely on them to do that for you. They can add joy to your life- but you won’t hold them responsible for it. 

What helped me muster the courage to reshape my relationships was being clear about what I want. I trained myself to see “me” in relationships and professions that are healthy, satisfying, and fulfilling. This practice made it easier for me to train myself to feel turned off by situations when they don’t measure up, or ones that cross my personal boundaries.

Some of us have been in poor relationships so long that we can’t even see our selves experiencing something different and better. We cringe at the thought of being with another lover or feel a heavy tug at our heart strings when we try to imagine ourselves in a new, amazing career.

And there are those who feel guilty for thinking themselves into happier more beneficial situations. It’s as if we owe it to the world to sacrifice our life experience for the acceptance of illusionary relationships that keep us loyal to broken dreams.

There is nothing to be guilty for because each of us have been created with an internal mechanism deep within that is always striving and directing us to do better, crave more, and to be more than we were yesterday.

Sometimes that means the person we want is not coming along with us into the next chapter no matter what we do. 

If you can’t see yourself enjoying the benefits of new circumstances, then it’s going to be difficult to initiate the transition towards them. In other words, you should be able to feel as if you deserve better and see it happening in your thoughts and imagination on a daily basis. Ask God to guide your steps, and to only match you with divine circumstances and unions that are designed for you and you only. 

Letting go of the old automatically makes room for the new.

When you hold on to situations that you know are making you miserable or unhappy you also block new situations from gaining access to your life. This block happens because while you’re miserable and unhappy – that state of mind causes loss of focus for your personal wants and needs. You can’t attract better situations into your life when you’re still giving all of your energy to situations and relationships that aren’t working.

Each day you only have a specific amount of energy and focus, which can produce the best results when used properly. 

You are required to pull your attention away from relationships that you don’t want so you can focus on, attract and maintain ones that you do. This means abandoning solutions, giving up excuses, and moving forward through your fear. The alternative is to stop complaining and accept the situation for what it is. I rarely recommend the alternative, however, it’s my way of reminding you of the absence of middle ground. 

You want to set yourself up for a better experience next time around.

It’s time to reflect. Search and find the main reasons you were in a bad relationship, friendship, or career in the first place. Sometimes of us take jobs in an emergency because we need money now, so we never really consider how that choice could affect us if we stay long term. People get into relationships by chance, by attraction, or out of pure loneliness and boredom, not realizing that loneliness and boredom are not signals to find a new relationship. Feelings of boredom and loneliness are signals to the contrary and usually signal deeper issues that should be dealt with alone.

Be who you want before you get who you want.

Before entering into any relationship, even a professional one, it’s important to arrive already happy and content with yourself, (and not expecting to get those feelings from a new job or relationship) and also having clear ideas about what you want or expect while in the situation. This way when things don’t go as planned your connection is not forged by dysfunction or unrealistic expectations, and unhooking yourself won’t be a long painful process. Once you discover the why’s and what’s, you can put in the internal work to correct and fine tune the core issues responsible for your choices. We are always the reason for our shitty situations, and knowing that is more empowering than it is disempowering. It means we have the power to change it all.

Believe you can.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a new career change or a more compatible partner, you won’t be able to get what you want and deserve until you believe it’s possible. Be willing to put your  trust in a new outcome without knowing all of the details to get there. This also means, at the same time you will release the things that have been conflicting with your happiness.

You are not a loser or a bad person for letting go of people & situations that don’t bring out the best in you. Knowing when to release is a sign of maturity and knowledge of self. It teaches you how to be considerate of not only yourself but of other people. If you’re not happy it’s highly likely the other person isn’t either. They might not admit to it or realize it when you do, but it’s better to be honest and let go than to wait and find out another way. Like maybe they’ll read this article before you do and be the one to let go first. Being happy is your responsibility. 

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