If you want better results in business, career, relationships, or life in general, dig deep and be honest about the areas of yourself that need changing. Sometimes we have to open ourselves up to criticism to find out what areas we need to work on from the people who know us best. This can be so hard that it feels easier to work on changing someone else or something outside of ourselves. That approach never works, we fail at fixing other people and end up feeling worse than before we started fixing. It always comes back to the man in the mirror, and if you want lasting results turn inward –
It’s the only area where you are in full control.
YOU GOT THIS.
Doing the same things over and over again expecting new results is, well you know, crazy. I have an OCD repeat offender kind of brain so I have to work extra hard to do things differently. It’s not easy to reset our minds and change the style of how we do things, but it is possible. With effort, change and constant progress will happen, just not overnight. We witness the results of drastic changes in others without acknowledging how much work went into the process. I had to do some diligent internal work to transform the way I think, feel, and respond. I looked in the mirror and decided I didn’t want to be the same person doing the same shit, and I began to crush the image I’d grown tired of.
We think we’re a product of our experiences, or doomed to our genetics, or just like our parents – and to an extent we are, but none of these influencers bind us to our unproductive habits with more force and energy than our own thought processes.
Our system of thoughts are made up of the ideas we formulate about the circumstances, environment, and people we engage with on a day-to-day basis. These mental systems keep us trapped with the same habits and they reinforce the way we feel and respond to everything. Most importantly, our habits, feelings, and responses work together to influence our outcomes and experiences. To crush the old me I learned how to step outside of myself to become an observer of my own thoughts and actions. I am like a fly on the wall in my own mind, a nosy neighbor loitering in my own backyard with my ear pressed up against the door of my feedback and responses. Hindsight was not enough. I did not want to endure the guilt of walking away from situations knowing I could have done better. I wanted to be able to catch myself in the act so I could redirect my behaviors and thoughts that needed changing on the spot.
“I can see you behaving like an ass Michelle.”
“In the moment” mental self-checks can help you get a clear idea of what could be done differently. It gives us an opportunity to make adjustments to our attitudes or feelings on the spot if they aren’t supporting an easy flow. Self awareness is the magic mental potion that will release the lock on personal progress. When practicing self-awareness all doors swing open ready for change, transformation, peek-a-boos, or admiration. We can go in and get a close-up look at ourselves and see behaviors and characteristics we didn’t notice before. The nosy-neighbor self-check process must take place for true change and transformation to begin. How else will you know what you’re up to?
Meditation, sitting still, and quieting down isn’t something that is only done on the mat or with legs folded in a tranquil human pretzel. We can engage in meditations that direct attention inward for the purpose of self-observation while active. In this state of mind, I record behaviors and habits I want to change about myself, and I write them down. It’s never a good feeling to catch yourself behaving in ways that are counterproductive. However, learning to catch flawed behaviors from a heightened sense of self-awareness pays back high dividends that are worth any discomfort for doing the work.
I used to be one of those people who knew how to get anything I wanted but at some point I would lose it all and have to start over again. After years of dealing with this dilemma I realized that I was the reason I had trouble holding on to things. I needed to change the way I felt about relationships, wealth, and my own self-worth before I could keep and maintain the things I brought into my life. The way I crush the bad habit of being the same is through my commitment to self-observe. This commitment is ongoing, life-long, and has no expiration date. I promised to always look at myself before looking at anyone else as the root of my problems. I accept that I am expected to evolve as all things around me must do the same; no one has found a way around this process. When we insist on staying mentally stuck, we hurt, we suffer, and we do not reach any of our potential. The moment we stop evolving we cheat us and everyone else out of a higher version of ourselves.
We should always be striving and pushing ourselves to do things that show a clear transformation away from the old self. Not to sound morbid, but this year I’ve experienced multiple losses of childhood friends who died way too young and it causes me to stop and ask myself:
“Self, what are you doing to help change the world? How is the world changing you? If you died today, what would they say, and how did you affect the people crossing your path? If today was your last day would you be satisfied with who you’ve become?
Questions like these encourage me to evolve no matter how difficult or challenging the road ahead might seem. Answering them lets me know if I’m walking and living with purpose, even if things are not perfect. While I notice that much of me stays the same on a fundamental level, I still change and grow mentally, psychologically, and emotionally in relationships, business, finances, and every aspect of my life. Here’s some of what I do each day. Take notes and develop your own unique style for crushing the habit of staying the same.
1. Identify the stumbling blocks stopping you from reaching your goals and take responsibility for the escape route one by one.
It could be anything; from trying to close a deal with a difficult prospect or making sure to exercise at least 3 times per week. Give it your attention and figure out what you’re doing and what could be done better. Try it and apply it. I shine a light on myself and accept the feelings I have about the situation. I don’t let the feelings own or consume me, but I do acknowledge them – then I let them go. I realize my feelings are just that, feelings that need to be processed so I could move on to the next step. Bye bitch ass feelings. 😛
2. Plan a detailed new course of action.
I accept that I need to do things differently, which is the hard part. I get clear about the reasons I felt or behaved the way I did in the first place. This helps to raise my level of awareness about my responses. I know for me to change the way I think, feel, or respond to an obstacle or challenge, I have to be aware of how I’m responding first. Moving away from denial helps me move forward to a place where we I can be honest and truthful about my automatic habits. It also puts me back in charge of myself and in a good position to influence future outcomes.
3. Be Kind to Yourself No Matter What.
No sense in pretending, life is complicated. Even if it’s true that we’ve been here many times before, we were delivered into this life with very little memory of those experiences. 🙄
You will not always know for certain what you could do better until after you screw up. That’s why the aftermath is called experience, wisdom, and being good at it. Self-awareness and consistent practice of these steps you will get better at creating the outcomes you want. People give up because they’ve been too hard on themselves or expect to be perfect the first few times or even twenty times. The trick is in your ability to be consistent after the fall – by never giving up on yourself or your objectives. Begin to see the tweak and change process as normal not defective. It’s okay to mess up, to get it wrong, to miss the mark, to not know what the hell you’re doing and lose a bunch of time to get a win. That’s the process we go through to become good at the things we’re interested in.
Your mistakes don’t make you any less worthy than the pros but they do make you stronger, wiser, and closer to being the next pro up. Be grateful for opportunities to experience error in your efforts; use them to measure all the activity you put into your own self-development. Praise yourself. If you got everything right, you wouldn’t experience high levels of change and growth. I’m praying for you in real time, just like I pray for myself. We are all capable of shedding old skin that no longer serves us so we can show off the newer layers just below the surface. Of course this process is difficult and uncomfortable, but changes that can improve your life or others are just as hard as they are worth it. It’s just a matter of deciding which side you want to be on: the comfortable side where there things are difficult because there’s no change, or the easy side where taking the difficult challenges earned you a spot. 🙂